tatooz3

I have been thinking about taking a vow of silence for a while now. I know that those of you who know me well probably almost fell off your chair when you read that, and believe me, I actually am SERIOUSLY thinking about it. It might sound silly, but I honestly believe that if I were to do so, it might be possible for me to spend more time thinking about where my life is heading, my faith journey, and so forth. Because sometimes I spend so much time communicating myself to others that I forget to reflect. I forget to think seriously about the road I am travelling on, and lately that has been beginning to bother me. I don't want to look back and wonder whether or not I really should have entered the ordination process. I want to be certain, and seminary is supposed to be a place to figure that out. However, I have found that most of my time has been spent running around and worrying about everything BUT my personal faith journey, and that is troubling, to say the least. In other news, it has been hard to concentrate whilst worrying over finances. It looks like I might have to figure out how to live on something close to $250 a month in Cambridge for the next year. Good luck on figuring out how THAT is gonna happen; and by the way, if anyone has ideas as to how to make that situation less....frightening,.... I am all ears. Because finances are definitely becoming a problem, to the extent that it is pretty much the only thing that my mother and I talk about anymore. I miss being able to talk about fun stuff--finances are certainly anything BUT that--and our conversations have been wearing our relationship ragged. (I know this is a disjointed journal entry, but I can't help but think sometimes that perhaps I set out too quickly. Perhaps I am doing too much too fast, trying to hard to BE something, and not planning enough. I feel extremely uncomfortable with my current situation, and I can't see things getting better any time soon. I feel like I belong here, but it would have been so much easier to wait a year and make some money.) Top this all off with my current emotional state, and I think I might be headed for therapy. If you want details on that, go ahead and ask, but I think I will leave that off the public journal for now. 897791
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